Monday, January 12, 2009

Since the Dawn of time

I remember being young, I remember so many things. But some things are gone. Lost to the memories. Why?
I really would love to remember my mother being nice. She said she was when I was a baby. She said she played with me and cuddled me. You know all that stuff that mothers are supposed to do. Now she even hates to hug. She says she is not a cuddler and I wonder if she really could have ever been. Probably. How can you not cuddle a baby or care for a small child when they are hurt.

I wonder why that changed, when it changed. When my mother decided that I was just not cute enough to cuddle with. It is strange. How can you not always feel that way about your child. It hurts you know. Not terribly or anything. I am not crying about it, but it hurts and is scary in a way.
Will there come a day when I wont cuddle my children? When having their little hand in mine wont be the greatest joy ever. I must have the cuddle jean and my mom does not. I dont want to ever not have that. That need to be physically close to them, to breath in thier breath, so sweet and yummy. I dont think I could turn into that, the way my mother did. She is a wonderful, remarkable woman, truely amazing. But this one thing is probably the quality I do not want to inherit from my mom. I hope I dont.


momof3crazykids said...

I am so sorry that happened to you and glad that you don't not cuddle yours. I don't remember my parents ever telling me they loved me. Though I know they did, through their actions but sometimes it's just nice to hear. So when my oldest was born I made a point to say it to my children. I do every day before they go to school and other times in between.

Back to the cuddling, you might change your mind when your 16 year old boy gets done working out or playing ball. I do not want to cuddle then. lol

NOBODY said...

Hey, thanks for letting me read your diary! :) I have a few thoughts on this. My mom was not snuggly and cuddly with me. I was determined to be so annoyingly cuddly with my own kids, they'd have to push me away. And they do. And I'd rather they do that than ever be without.

I of course wanted/needed more as a child but I have figured a few things and learned a few, about my mom specifically. I was her 8th child. 3 kids wear me to the bone. There are days I don't want another finger laid on me and they are still needing. And I push through. I imagine by 8 kids, my mom was done pushing through. It was never personal.

One of the things I learned was, my mom was afraid of rejection, so she never put herself in a position to be rejected. What if she reached to hug and I said, "go away?" If you can't handle that, you don't put yourself in that situation again. Even if it's with a 6 year old. I wish I could change that fear of rejection and overwhelm her with snuggles--even if she was the mom.

Your kids are lucky to have a cuddling mom. I think it's the answer to so many woes. :)